Stocking Stuffers
by Wolfish Oro
Summary: Kaoru really is the hardest person to shop for... A little bit of Holiday Humor from the crazy lady.


Rurouni Kenshin

AU, Present Day

* * *

"If we were going to do this, shouldn't we have done it, say... _a week ago?_" Kenshin's voice was highly agitated; the normally cheerful redhead was scowling at Megumi, Misao, and Sano visciously. "Really, guys, it's not that hard to shop for Kaoru! All she ever asks for are books, socks, and the occasional bokken. Shouldn't you have gone out _before_ Christmas Eve?!"

Sano slouched as he looked around the mall. "Well, she's your best friend, dude. Of course you know what to get for her..."

"You and Megumi have known her as long as I have, and Misao's known her even longer!"

"But Kenshin, she never tells us what she wants to get, and _you_ only know because you asked her dad! Besides," Misao continued, "we couldn't shake her off 'till just now. C'mon, we'll check that store before getting a snack."

And with that, she bounced off, pulling Kenshin with her as Sano snuck off and Megumi snickered.

* * *

"Now, do we get Kaoru something she'll _look_ nice in, or something she'll _wear _without being threatened? Misao, what do you think?" Megumi was holding up a nice turquois sweater with a slightly lower neckline than Kaoru usually wore. Misao looked thoughtful while Kenshin shook his head.

"You'll never get her into that," he started, but Misao cut him off.

"That's what kunai are for, dummy. Really, though, I think she'd like this better." Misao held up a hooded sweatshirt, dark emerald with the words "When will the rhetorical questions end?" scrawled across it. The other two grinned and Kenshin remembered the shirt he'd got for Kaoru- "I'm An English Major- You Do The Math!"

"She'll like that. Are there any more shirts like that on the rack?" Megumi was already rifling through it, and snorted when she found one in particular...

"Is this Kaoru, or is this Kaoru?" Megumi asked dryly. She held up a T-shirt, which read "Sometimes I wonder why the Frisbee is getting bigger... and then it hits me". Behind it was one Misao grabbed for Sano- "I Always Wanted To Be A Procrastinator!"

"This is so _productive_!" Misao cheered. "We should have done this sooner!"

"No. Duh." Kenshin glowered at the girls, and Megumi snorted while Misao glared back. "I've only been saying that for the last _two hours_."

"Yo, Kenshin, man, cool your jets a bit, why don't ya?" Sano weaved through the racks, carrying coffee to the waiting trio of college friends. "Here, I got you hot chocolate, 'cuz we all know what you're like with coffee..." Kenshin accepted the cup with a light blush. "Misao, decaf latte for you..."

"Does it have to be decaf?" Misao asked even as she eagerly started drinking her coffee.

"Yes," the other three said at the same time. Sano shook his head before continuing.

"Megumi, some horribly frilly, terribly girly drink that had me looking like an idiot when I ordered it..."

"Not that you ever need help looking like an idiot," Megumi laughed. "What did you get?"

"Mulled cider. Hey, Kenshin, is something wrong?"

Kenshin swayed again, before nodding hesitantly. "I can't imagine what the problem is... I was fine a moment ago!"

Megumi clucked, and told him to go sit down and drink his hot chocolate while the others perchased their items. Kenshin actually obeyed without comment; once she was sure they were out of hearing range, Misao turned to Sano.

"What did you spike the drink with?"

"Kaoru made fruitcake. I cut a piece earlier into small chunks... well, I almost had to break it apart with a hammer, really. But I slipped one of the chunks into his cocoa."

"Hmm. Did you find the wrapping present and the bow? And the duct tape?" Megumi tapped her nails against the counter as she waited, both for the cashier to finish ringing up the presents and for Sano's answer.

"Yup. Silver duct tape, blue and silver wrapping paper with little snowflakes on it, and a red and gold ribbon for a bow."

"Excellent! Especially the ribbon. It'll..." Misao cut off abruptly, paling as she caught sight of someone standing next to Kenshin. "Did any of you tell Aoshi what we're doing? He might help Kenshin back to his apartment, then what? What if he-"

"Cool it, weasel-girl. Aoshi is "helping" Kenshin," Sano made exaggerated quotation marks in the air with his fingers, "but he's actually going to leave Kenshin's apartment unlocked for us to sneak in. Now, let's give them a fifteen minute head start..."

* * *

Kenshin looked out the car window to see his apartment building looming ahead. His vision was a little bleary, and he rubbed his eyes in an attempt to focus the image.

It was only with a great deal of help from Aoshi that he managed to get up the four flights of stairs- _stupid elevator, always broken when you need it most_- to his door. It was Aoshi who unlocked the door while Kenshin leaned on the wall in the hallway, confused and feeling very ill.

Kenshin's head hurt, and his vision hadn't cleared. It seemed to be getting worse, actually. These two things prevented him from seeing Aoshi slip the key into Aoshi's pocket instead of the little bowl on the table in the kitchen.

The stomache ache had Kenshin crawling onto the couch, too miserable to see Aoshi out the door.

As he heard the door click behind his friend, Kenshin groaned and muttered, "Of all the days to get sick, I had to catch something on Christmas Eve..."

* * *

Sano cracked the door open cautiously, peering in to find Kenshin asleep on the couch. He grinned at his cohorts, and the three traipsed in to get to work. Megumi paused for a moment to make sure Kenshin would suffer no lasting side effects of the fearful fruitcake before signaling Sano to hold Kenshin up so she and Misao could get to work with the duct tape.

They taped his wrists together first, then taped his arms to his sides. They taped his legs together, wrapping the duct tape around from his knees to his ankles. Then they set to work with the gift wrap.

_It really is a lovely color_, Megumi thought as they wound the paper around a (miraculously) still-sleeping Kenshin.The paper was ice blue with dashes of cerulean and swirls of silver and whicmsical white-gold snowflakes; the paper contrasted with Kenshin's flaming hair and with the bow that Misao was getting ready to tie around Kenshin's neck. The overall effect was one of fire meeting ice, if you only looked at the colors. The overall effect of the whole thing was a wrapping-paper mummified Kenshin with a bright bow, a laughable image and one that, with the pictures and the boasting rights of the conspirators, would be remembered every winter until the end of time.

Sano carefully picked up his friend, listening to Megumi and Misao warn him about what would happen to him if he accidentally ripped the paper. While the Troublesome Trio loaded into the car, none of them noticed that their captive had opened his eyes to peer out at them.

* * *

Kenshin had actually woke just after Megumi had prodded him to check his pulse, but had been too curious to ruin whatever it was that they had been doing. He regretted this when they started hog-tying him with duct tape, but he still had no idea what they were doing, so he remained still, relaxed, as if asleep.

When they started wrapping him, he started to get the idea, but he still wasn't entirely sure, so he remained quiet.

Now, as he watched the world fly by through the car windows, he was starting to get a very good idea of what his friends were doing...

... Kenshin's suspicions were confirmed when they pulled into the dorm parking lot at- he glanced at the clock on the dashboard before closing his eyes again- 11:34 PM. He kept his eyes closed as Sano carried him into the dorm; he had to actively force himself not to hum along to the Christmas music playing in the elevator; he only grunted and shifted a bit when they put him on the couch in Kaoru and Misao's rooms.

He pretended he was fast asleep when they stuffed Kaoru's stocking on his head like a hat.

Kenshin listened to Megumi and Sano creep out while Misao snuck into her room. Only after he was sure he was alone did he open his eyes, and then Kenshin found himself staring at the Christmas lights on the tree.

Yeah. All night. Stupid, hypnotic, color-changing lights...

* * *

Kaoru woke up early, mostly because she heard Misao arguing with somebody in the living room. She froze when she realized the second voice was familiar,but couldn't 'quite' place it.

Then she stepped out of her room and wondered how the hell she hadn't recognized it immediately as Kaoru's hand flew up to cover her mouth. A very grouchy looking Kenshin was trying to drink coffee through a straw while Misao held the cup for him. Kaoru figured the previous arguement had been whether or not to allow Kenshin to have coffee, since the poor man tended to get even more hyper than Misao if he had more that a few grams of caffeine... Which was why Kaoru had gotten him three bottles of caffeine-free Mountain Dew for Christmas, but if he was here, then Kenshin certainly couldn't have opened his presents yet.

Kaoru giggled, and Misao jumped up to wish her a merry Christmas after setting down the mug of coffee, and Kenshin called out a "happy holidays, Kaoru!_"_ from his position on the couch, where he wiggled for a moment before giving up on moving.

Kaoru perched on the edge of the couch and pulled Kenshin's make-shift hat off his head, and then she noticed a tag hanging off his ear. It had obviously been written by Megumi, and Kaoru read it aloud.

"To Kaoru; from Megumi, Sano, and Misao; with some unwitting help from Kenshin." There was a little arrow indicating for her to flip over the card, and there were instructions on the back. Kaoru read these out loud, too.

"Not returnable without receipt. Feed three times daily, allow to recharge every night for at least six hours. Hand wash only. For tech support, call Hiko at (379) 867-5309. Enjoy your Kenshin, product of Hiko Inc."

Misao was laughing the entire time, and Kenshin had a manic look on his face, the result of trying to glare and grin at the same time.

"Thank you, Misao. He's the best gift I've ever had," Kaoru said solemnly. At this, Kenshin joined in the laughter, and Kaoru started giggling again. Misao took about a jillion pictures of Kaoru unwrapping Kenshin, who then grabbed his own gift for Kaoru and made her open that next.

By the time Megumi, Sano, and Aoshi arrived, Misao had started telling Kaoru the story of How the Trio Stole Kenshin, with a Little Help.

* * *

Oro: I know, I know, a little cliche, but seriously, all those pictures of Kenshin stffed into a stocking... Did you never wonder how he got there? This story, should she ever read it, is written for my friend Sophie. I wish I _could_ give her Kenshin for Christmas, but...  
Quill: But Kenshin and Co. are owned by NobuhiroWatsuki. She also doesn't own the phone number, which are in the lyrics of an old song.  
Oro: Exactly. So, Sophie, sorry Kenshin's not in _your_ stocking, can you make do with this? Sincerely, the Nidiot


End file.
